Last night I was clipping Brooklyn’s finger/toe nails as she fell asleep on my lap. It was so easy… *clip clip clip* and done. Then I carried her into her room, put her in her crib, tucked her in, and got the heck out. All in under a minute. It got me thinking about how far we’ve all come in 3 short months.
I remembered how panicked I was to clip her teensy little nails for the first time. Her fingers were unbelievably tiny. Even with John gently holding her finger and 20 minutes of me sweating and fumbling around, I just gave up…almost in tears from the fear of cutting my baby’s finger and unprepared for how hard this simple task was. And look at us now!
I also remembered how for the first month of Brooklyn’s life I would start to feel anxious at around 7’oclock each night, wondering if any of us would get any sleep that night. If she fell asleep in my arms I would watch what seemed like an eternity of minutes creep by before I could muster the nerve to get up. Then I’d hold my breath as I placed her in her bassinet…pleading with God not to let her wake up so I could get 3 decent hours of sleep. And look at us now! I can plop her in the crib and she’ll sleep for 9 or 10 hours. Anxiety – GONE!
I thought back to when John and I gave her her first bath in the kitchen sink. It was miserable for me. I worried about EVERYTHING…was the water too warm? Was John scrubbing her too hard and getting soap in her eyes? Would she slip out of my hands and drown or fall onto the tile? Would she hate this and us for doing it to her? But look at us now! Bath time is so easy and much more fun for all. She loves the water, splashes around with her feet, and looks into my eyes as I sing, talk to her and scrub all her 2000 parts.
I think about how my attitude has changed. Maybe I'm more patient. At least that is what John says. What used to annoy me about the idea of parenthood doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Like how you have to load up the U-haul with baby equipment just to run up to the grocery store for 2 things. Or how you put your hobbies on hold because spending time with the baby before she goes to bed is so much more fulfilling. Eh…you do these things because you love her and your own comfort or convenience or entertainment isn’t as high a priority. And you really don’t mind either.
I think about how this whole trip is a leap of faith. I feel like my heart is actually outside of my body and has become this little baby. I’ve felt like that about her daddy for years but with her it is a much more raw, vulnerable feeling. I HAVE to trust God with our tomorrows, even more now than ever before. So for today I will kiss her head. It is like breathing....I need to do it! And I will drink in her full-faced, chubby-cheeked, toothless smiles. And I will cherish every moment, great or small. As far as I can tell, parenthood is the greatest job God ever gave a person. And I know I’ve only scratched the surface!
10 months ago