(insert fitting title here)

I'm a 'reason' person. I have no problem doing the what. I just need to know the why and I'm on board. Well, unless the why is really stupid. Or illegal. Or boring. Or will make me sweat. But normally, I'll help with the what. Especially for doing something life-altering. Like having babies.

When I was in my 20's I felt like there were only a few reasons someone would have kids:
~ Accidentally
~ To fill some emotional void
~ To carry on the family name
~ To help plow the wheat fields in Oklahoma
~ To make a guy stay
~ To get on a reality show

And see, I knew it was life-altering. I felt too few people regard the decision with the amount of gravity it deserves. And none of the above reasons were good enough for me. I felt I was better than all of that.

Until God steps in and starts kicking over all the tables of fear and doubt in your heart and mind. Through books and words from dear friends that I'll never forget, God tore down all my wrong thinking about creating a family and assured me that John and I would have all the tools needed (the how) to grow a child (the what) who would live for God (the why.)

And now that we have made a sweet and precious baby, I can honestly say I believe the part in the bible that says children are a blessing to their parents. I understand the dreams and desires every mom and dad must have down to their core for their children. I echo the fervent prayers from parents everywhere for the safety and protection over their little ones. If I may be so foolish to say, I think I understand a teeny bit more about God's love for us. And as Brooklyn grows and learns, the more I think we'll grow and learn.

I feel like I've been let in on the most wonderfully beautiful secret that there ever was.

You never wake up thinking

today is the last day I'm going to be able to hug and kiss my daughter. That is just what happened for some sweet precious friends of mine. I found out this morning that their 2 1/2 year old daughter Reagan passed away Tuesday, 3/30 after contracting bacterial meningitis. They had less than 24 hours with her after she became sick. Nothing could be done. They held her as she slipped away, from this earth and into the arms of Jesus.

I'm shocked. I'm horrified. I'm heart broken. I can't stop crying. I have too many thoughts. And I feel guilty for feeling any bit of grief and sorrow. Her parents probably feel that all the grief in the universe is theirs to bear. That no one has the right to share in any of it. I wouldn't blame them if they thought that.

I went to visit Reagan's parents as soon as I found out. What do you say? What could anyone possibly say? What words could bring even a fraction of comfort? I scrambled to try and find a silver lining. There was non. I said nothing. I just cried with them. I let them share what they wanted to share. We cried some more. I prayed with them. They asked about Brooklyn. And we cried some more.

So how were they? I have so much respect for how these people are leaning on their faith in God rather than blaming Him for their loss. Both parents are doing what they can to comfort Reagan's twin brother, who at 2 1/2 years old most likely has a hard time understanding what has happened.

And so I leave their house to go to work. My life goes on. Business as usual. The world keeps turning. The red lights continue to change to green. The DJs on the radio keep babbling. But I can't forget about the people who's lives were just ripped into two.

Lord, please comfort them. I beg you.

And when I got home I hugged Brooklyn. More than I ever have before. And I thanked God for every minute I've been able to enjoy.

Wow...so glad that is over!

Well, we are finally home. Yeah, we thought we'd only be at the hospital with Brooklyn for a couple of days. Turns out it was an almost 9 day stay at Hotel Arnold Palmer. Poor baby wouldn't stop vomitting. They wanted her to go 24 hours without IV fluids and without any assistance from anti-nausea medicine. Daily we'd watch the clock after each feeding, hope growing with every hour that she'd keep her milk/pedialyte cocktail down. 5, 6, 7 hours. Yay! And then she'd vomit. Well, let's start the clock over again. So this went on for days yet finally her little body decided it wanted to cooperate and go home too! So Saturday was a successfuly day and Sunday we were discharged.

I'm so proud of John for getting back behind the wheel of the car and carrying us home safely. I know he was apprehensive about other drivers all throughout that ride home.

I had to find some really important lessons to bring out of this accident. If I didn't, then it makes the whole experience a waste. This accident taught me that we can get by with just the basics in life as long as we have each other. We lived in that hospital without our big flat panel TV, without our cars, without our array of clothing, without my scrapbook stuff or many of the things we enjoy daily, and you know what? It didn't matter! Brooklyn being healthy and us having each other was all that did matter.

The second thing I learned is how blessed we are for the people God put in our lives to pray, support and care for us. The outpouring of calls, emails, text messages, visitors, gifts and meals was overwelming. Facebook was instrumental in rallying people all over the country and world to pray for Brooklyn's health and our sanity. God did not disappoint. His wings of protection were over us the whole time.

The third thing I learned is that yes, we are all just one phone call away from having our world turned upside down. You never know how you'll react in the situation until it shows up. I feel like I kept my cool and stayed positive for the most part. I was able to make wise decisions for the good of my baby even when it went against what hospital staff told us. I feel like I was firm about many things when normally I'm a total wuss. I'm proud of the me that came out of this.

The fourth thing I learned is that I didn't run to God like I should have when things felt overwelming. I found comfort in friends and family and THEN did I pray or seek God. I'd like for Him to be my first stop when I need help.

And finally, I feel like crisis bonded John and I together even tighter than before and in a way that just might never have happened any other way. We truly worked as a team supporting and encouraging and lifting each other up when the load became too heavy. I truly love this man and never could have made it through without him.

One really bad day

Just want to give you all a quick update...on 1/22/2010 Brooklyn and I were rear ended into another car at Fiske and Barnes. We were taken to Weusthoff and Brooklyn was subsequently taken to Arnold Palmer Childern's hospital with head injuries. The folks at Arnold Palmer have done three successive CT scans and Brooklyn's injuries are improving. They don't expect there to be any lasting damage but they won't let her go home until she is able to keep food down on her own. We will be at the hospital until at least tomorrow or Tuesday depending on how things go. I know this is a lousy way to tell you all but until I am 100% sure of her condition this is the only way I can keep all of her fans informed. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and please keep them coming. We are at Arnold Palmer Hospital room 2037 but please don't call the room. We prefer you call our cell phones so as not to disturb Brooklyn. Thanks everyone

More than I could have asked for...

When I picked Brooklyn up from Shelby's today I got some really great news. Shelby told me that she spent time praying for Brooklyn and her future spouse...that he would love God's word and have godly parents. I love that and pray that over her myself. Shelby also prayed that Brooklyn would have a strong will. I get this and see that it really is a positive. I was strong willed. For me that meant I didn't feel the need to go with the flow when other kids were running around getting pregnant or in trouble. It meant that if I was given a challenge I was determined to find a solution. These are attributes that pay major dividends in life. And I do want Brooklyn to be confident and determined to make her way in this world. Especially since our way of living is different than the norm. We love and serve God. I want her to shine her light to her peers regardless of what is socially acceptable. I want her to be the peer pressure among her friends. I heard our youth pastor share that during one of his talks and thought "what a fantastic concept!"

I imagine people don't typically get to enjoy the awesomeness that comes with a child care provider who prays over your child. That is why I'm so thrilled with the way all of this has turned out. Shelby cares very much for all aspects of Brooklyn's wellbeing and John and I can rest assured that our baby is in good hands. Thank you God for taking a situation that could have been simply average and making it magnificently more than what I asked for or could think of. Ephesians 3:20 is alive and living in me!

You can ALWAYS trust in God to come through!

Last week John's company cancelled the 4 day work week. Although that sucks for him, the child care schedule, at this point, was still workable. However then we were dealt a blow last night when we found out my mom wouldn't be able to care for Brooklyn either. Seriously? But we had it all figured out. Why is this coming crashing down on us??? I really felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I cried.

How would we manage to find care for the baby for the 2 days a week that my mother in law cannot cover? My mind started going crazy trying to find a solution to our new problem. Does part time daycare even exist? Not for an infant. Am I going to have to quit my job? I can't even think straight. My heart was overwhelmed with sadness. I made some phone calls. We prayed and then went to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

And with tomorrow the sun came up. I called a friend this morning and asked her if her mom might want to work for us by caring for Brooklyn 2 days a week. The answer is a very enthusiastic "YES!" Seriously? Please don't be joking. "No, really. I would LOVE to watch Brooklyn for you. Thanks so much for asking me." Wow. I didn't expect that. But I knew that God would take care of things.

I called John with the good news and he was soooooo relieved. Shelby will start on 11/30.

Oh happy day!

Reflections on the first 3 months

Last night I was clipping Brooklyn’s finger/toe nails as she fell asleep on my lap. It was so easy… *clip clip clip* and done. Then I carried her into her room, put her in her crib, tucked her in, and got the heck out. All in under a minute. It got me thinking about how far we’ve all come in 3 short months.

I remembered how panicked I was to clip her teensy little nails for the first time. Her fingers were unbelievably tiny. Even with John gently holding her finger and 20 minutes of me sweating and fumbling around, I just gave up…almost in tears from the fear of cutting my baby’s finger and unprepared for how hard this simple task was. And look at us now!

I also remembered how for the first month of Brooklyn’s life I would start to feel anxious at around 7’oclock each night, wondering if any of us would get any sleep that night. If she fell asleep in my arms I would watch what seemed like an eternity of minutes creep by before I could muster the nerve to get up. Then I’d hold my breath as I placed her in her bassinet…pleading with God not to let her wake up so I could get 3 decent hours of sleep. And look at us now! I can plop her in the crib and she’ll sleep for 9 or 10 hours. Anxiety – GONE!

I thought back to when John and I gave her her first bath in the kitchen sink. It was miserable for me. I worried about EVERYTHING…was the water too warm? Was John scrubbing her too hard and getting soap in her eyes? Would she slip out of my hands and drown or fall onto the tile? Would she hate this and us for doing it to her? But look at us now! Bath time is so easy and much more fun for all. She loves the water, splashes around with her feet, and looks into my eyes as I sing, talk to her and scrub all her 2000 parts.

I think about how my attitude has changed. Maybe I'm more patient. At least that is what John says. What used to annoy me about the idea of parenthood doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Like how you have to load up the U-haul with baby equipment just to run up to the grocery store for 2 things. Or how you put your hobbies on hold because spending time with the baby before she goes to bed is so much more fulfilling. Eh…you do these things because you love her and your own comfort or convenience or entertainment isn’t as high a priority. And you really don’t mind either.

I think about how this whole trip is a leap of faith. I feel like my heart is actually outside of my body and has become this little baby. I’ve felt like that about her daddy for years but with her it is a much more raw, vulnerable feeling. I HAVE to trust God with our tomorrows, even more now than ever before. So for today I will kiss her head. It is like breathing....I need to do it! And I will drink in her full-faced, chubby-cheeked, toothless smiles. And I will cherish every moment, great or small. As far as I can tell, parenthood is the greatest job God ever gave a person. And I know I’ve only scratched the surface!

20 1/2 weeks and so thankful

So Bean is kicking more emphatically now. I've noticed a pattern with her (wow I'm still on cloud nine about getting to call her a 'her') and look forward to her "Good morning, Mommy!" kicks just as I'm getting out of bed. One morning she kicked so hard John and I could see my belly jump. I took John's hand and pressed it into my stomach. He was able to feel the kicks himself! I was so happy for him to be able to experience that.

You know, I am so blessed that I can barely stand it. I think about how much this baby is already loved by us, our family, and our friends - both local friends and cyber friends. I think about the things we want to teach her and do with her, how her life will be different and better than many aspects of my own childhood. Not that mine was bad, but having two loving parents to raise you has to be better than having only one. Then I think about how freely God has provided comfort to me throughout this pregnancy. I am so grateful, so humbled...

So Glad Monday Is Over

We went to my appointment yesterday to have the doc confirm what we already knew. Yes, we are most definitely with child.

On the way back out to the car, John could tell something was up with me. Remember, I had been battling those crazy thoughts all day. He asked me what was wrong. I shared my mental struggles. He says that yes, we might have thought our life was perfect before, but now it will be perfect with a baby. We'll get over the shock of it and eventually it will become normal to us like life is now. His encouragement made me instantly feel better. I'm so glad to be on this journey with him. His support is worth more than gold.

Our next step is to make an appt with a new OB/GYN doctor. I'm calling for an appt today. I know it's the week before Christmas but I'd really love an ultrasound picture to show off at Christmas. We'll see how fast they can get this show on the road.

We are waiting until Christmas to tell our families. And here is the plan for the 'big reveal'. The pictures I took of us on Saturday with the test showing positive will be printed along with a bracelet I'm making for my mom that says "Grandma". These items will be put in a box and wrapped with beautiful paper. For my sister Sarah I'm making a bracelet that says Aunt Sarah. That will also be wrapped and under the tree. When they come over for our traditional Christmas morning breakfast and gift exchange, they will both open their boxes together. I can't wait to see their faces. I'll have someone running video to capture the moment. My other sister in Oregon is getting her Aunt Heather bracelet in the mail so I have to trust she won't open it until Christmas.

John is waiting until Christmas night to tell his family. It is very important to him that this news NOT leak out at all until Christmas evening dinner. I really want to honor his request. But it's really hard for me because people that I work with and go to church with know his parents & brother. That means I can't tell ANYONE! And I'm dying. I actually think it is literally killing me. Tomorrow my work is having our potluck lunch. That would be the perfect time while the whole group is together to make an announcement. I may still do it, but with a strong warning to those who know my in-laws that I will take their life if they spill the beans.

Hey, I'm allowed to be crazy. I'm a pregnant lady!

Both our lives just changed forever

No way! We took a pregnancy test Saturday 12/13 and it came out positive! Holy cow, I can't believe it. I just can't believe we finally did it! John and I are tickled, shocked, giddy, stunned and completely unable to keep it a secret for longer than an hour. Upon waving my pee stick in front of him, with it's big blue "+", he laughed and told me to go get my camera.





I can honestly say I've thought of little else since Saturday. I don't sleep well because of the excitement. I'm at work and can't focus on anything. In about an hour I leave for my doctor's appointment where she'll do a blood test (I imagine) and then we'll know for sure.

It has been the longest day of my life. I catch myself staring at the clock, willing the hands to move a bit faster.

I've prayed a lot about God changing my heart towards motherhood. And he has. 5 years ago I never would have guessed that I would even consider starting a family. It just was never something I had any interest in doing. But over time my feelings changed. God is faithful to work on my heart and mind. I started viewing motherhood as an adventure I couldn't wait to take on with John by my side, as a blessing, as something God truly wanted for our lives, and as a humongous leap of faith. Finally, after being married about almost 5 years, John and I decided that we would officially "try" for a baby. Although we didn't try on a continuous basis. We really only gave it a solid effort for about a month.

And at first when I watched the pee stick immediately scream "pregnant" I felt happy. The next day.....also happy. Not scared at all. I thought I would remain at peace with this whole thing, and that my former doubts and fears were finally dead.

Apparently peace is something I'm going to have to fight for. Today I can feel my old self resurrect thoughts like "Why the heck did we do this? Our life was perfect before now and you just had to go and screw it all up. Do you know what you are in for now?!" I kind of expected it would take longer, and that we would have more time to digest the gravity of our decision. I didn't imagine it would only take 5 tries over a 3 week period.

No. I don't know what we are in for. But I do know that it is too late to turn back now. And I'm going to pour myself into God's word, stand on his promises, and be strengthened every day to battle these fears. I don't want the enemy to unravel me during a time in life that is supposed to be so beautiful. The enemy cannot steal this from me.

Prayers on deck: John and I are both praying in faith that I will not suffer nausea. We are praying for a healthy baby (girl...at least I'm praying for a girl) and no Downs Syndrome or anything else that plagues babies born to women in their 30's. I also do not want to have a C section and would appreciate a healthy problem free pregnancy & delivery. So if you feel compelled to pray for us, we will certainly appreciate it.