Why is it that....

~ Babies have to poop 5 seconds before you need to leave the house? No matter what time I get Brooklyn ready to go in the morning, I see the red face and hear the grunting that can only mean one thing...diaper candy.

~ When you tell your massage therapist that your lower back hurts, they take that as an engraved invitation to rub your butt cheeks in a way that borders on inappropriate. On the outside I'm all "Pssssshah, it's cool. I'm okay with this. She's just doing her job." But on the inside I'm all "NOT COOL! NOT COOL!" Am I gay now? I really hope not because I'm married to a man.

~ The baby's high chair tray says "dishwasher safe" but it is so huge that it would fit in nobody's dishwasher? Do they make double-wide dishwashers?

~ I only feel motivated to work during the last hour of my work day???

~ When trying to show Brooklyn a lizard and how not to be afraid of stuff, it JUMPS ON MY ARM and I scream like a little girl. Wow, some role model I'm going to be. "Hey Brooklyn, don't fear that little tiny pip-squeak of a liz....squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" *run away*