Pregnancy "Menu"

I did not write this. I found it online (can't remember where) and thought it was hilarious.

First Trimester Menu

• Appetizer - Tums compote


• Entree - Fresh Saltines on a bed of Saltines, lightly seasoned with Saltines


• Beverage - Ginger ale (IV drip available upon request)


• Dessert - Ten minutes in a dark room with an ice bag on your head

Second Trimester Menu

• Appetizer - Half a roast chicken, extra crispy


• Entree - A succulent leg of lamb smothered in pork chops, served with BBQ ribs and garnished with cheeseburgers (all burnt beyond recognition for your safety)


• Beverage - Toll-House pie smoothie, prepared with 1/2 pint heavy cream


• Dessert - 9X16 pan of double-fudge brownies

Third Trimester Menu
(Each course followed by 15-minute neck massage and/or bathroom break)

• Appetizer - Three bites of tossed salad


• Entree - Two bites of lasagna


• Beverage - None...so you'll have room for dessert


• Dessert - A Tic Tac

Double portions available if you're expecting twins