Right Now

I am...

Hacking: This list of prompts I saw on someone else's blog

Listening: To a song that is stuck in my head from when I woke up this morning. Adele's "Melt My Heart to Stone." I will put it on repeat for about 2 more hours until I never want to ever hear it again. For at least a month.

Eating: A banana & some cashews.

Drinking: Water from a mug John got me while I was still pregnant. It says "A daughter is a gift of the heart." True dat.

Wearing: Khaki shorts and a t-shirt my in-laws bought me. It has a graphic of Albert Einstein holding a glass of wine and says "Albert Winestein - Drink a few glasses and become a genius."

Reading: Presumed Guilty by James Scott Bell. I WILL get through it this time.

Feeling: Like I'd rather be home with John and the baby right now instead of at work with little to do on this molten lava hot Saturday afternoon.

Wanting: A bigger house. And when I say "want" I mean "with every fiber of my being." I have my eye on one that would be perfect for us.

Praying: About so many things...John's job, the bigger house, when to have our 2nd baby, my mom's health, my family's ability to get along...

Enjoying: Having the whole office to myself and smelling the pizza I have cooking in the toaster oven.

Wondering: Why I referred to my coworker's girlfriend as his 'steady'. What am I, 70???

Scrapping: Only in my dreams. Don't have the space for it right now.

Loving: Almond butter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needing: To start running. I just have to get over my hatred of being hot & sweaty. And the potential that I could very well die out in this heat. And how my body will protest in the beginning. Let's be honest, this is what the conversation would be like:

Me: Hey, let's run somewhere.
Legs: Why?
Me: Just to see what will happen.
Feet: I can't right now. I'm busy holding down this pillow and coffee table.
Me: Awe, come on. It will be fun.
Brain: Do you know how freakin hot it is outside? It's like being an inch from the sun.
Me: You are being dramatic. Running will make us healthy.
Lungs: It will not. It will make us die. Because if you run ANYWHERE I swear I will explode and literally kill you. So go ahead. Try me. It's your funeral.
Me: Wow. That's a pretty creepy but solid argument.

You never wake up thinking

today is the last day I'm going to be able to hug and kiss my daughter. That is just what happened for some sweet precious friends of mine. I found out this morning that their 2 1/2 year old daughter Reagan passed away Tuesday, 3/30 after contracting bacterial meningitis. They had less than 24 hours with her after she became sick. Nothing could be done. They held her as she slipped away, from this earth and into the arms of Jesus.

I'm shocked. I'm horrified. I'm heart broken. I can't stop crying. I have too many thoughts. And I feel guilty for feeling any bit of grief and sorrow. Her parents probably feel that all the grief in the universe is theirs to bear. That no one has the right to share in any of it. I wouldn't blame them if they thought that.

I went to visit Reagan's parents as soon as I found out. What do you say? What could anyone possibly say? What words could bring even a fraction of comfort? I scrambled to try and find a silver lining. There was non. I said nothing. I just cried with them. I let them share what they wanted to share. We cried some more. I prayed with them. They asked about Brooklyn. And we cried some more.

So how were they? I have so much respect for how these people are leaning on their faith in God rather than blaming Him for their loss. Both parents are doing what they can to comfort Reagan's twin brother, who at 2 1/2 years old most likely has a hard time understanding what has happened.

And so I leave their house to go to work. My life goes on. Business as usual. The world keeps turning. The red lights continue to change to green. The DJs on the radio keep babbling. But I can't forget about the people who's lives were just ripped into two.

Lord, please comfort them. I beg you.

And when I got home I hugged Brooklyn. More than I ever have before. And I thanked God for every minute I've been able to enjoy.

First Day of Daycare....

So we tried the grandparent/nanny care thing for as long as we could manage. I really enjoyed knowing Brooklyn was with family or close friends during the day, but schedule conflicts and poor health have made it necessary for us to go the daycare route. At first I was really annoyed that, with all the people and family that we have near us, we STILL have to use daycare. But now I realize that it worked out for 8 months and for that I'm thankful.

I thought today would be hard, leaving her with strangers, but I feel like I handled it well. It helps that Brooklyn is a social baby. I dropped her stuff off in the infant room then strolled her out to the gymnasium where all the kids gather (under supervision) before being separated into their individual class rooms. She watched two little boys playing with some toys and did her I'm-so-excited "ooo! ooo! ooo!" noise. She smiled at the teacher and was her normal curious happy self. One little boy came over to meet her and was so sweet and gentle as he reached out to shake her tiny hand. She doesn't get the whole hand-shaking thing so she grabbed him and probably would have tried to nom-nom-nom on his hand if he'd let her.

I'm sure things will go great for her today. And she's not far from where I work if anyone needs me.

Have fun sweet angel. Take good naps, eat well & make friends. You are loved and prayed for today.

Wow...so glad that is over!

Well, we are finally home. Yeah, we thought we'd only be at the hospital with Brooklyn for a couple of days. Turns out it was an almost 9 day stay at Hotel Arnold Palmer. Poor baby wouldn't stop vomitting. They wanted her to go 24 hours without IV fluids and without any assistance from anti-nausea medicine. Daily we'd watch the clock after each feeding, hope growing with every hour that she'd keep her milk/pedialyte cocktail down. 5, 6, 7 hours. Yay! And then she'd vomit. Well, let's start the clock over again. So this went on for days yet finally her little body decided it wanted to cooperate and go home too! So Saturday was a successfuly day and Sunday we were discharged.

I'm so proud of John for getting back behind the wheel of the car and carrying us home safely. I know he was apprehensive about other drivers all throughout that ride home.

I had to find some really important lessons to bring out of this accident. If I didn't, then it makes the whole experience a waste. This accident taught me that we can get by with just the basics in life as long as we have each other. We lived in that hospital without our big flat panel TV, without our cars, without our array of clothing, without my scrapbook stuff or many of the things we enjoy daily, and you know what? It didn't matter! Brooklyn being healthy and us having each other was all that did matter.

The second thing I learned is how blessed we are for the people God put in our lives to pray, support and care for us. The outpouring of calls, emails, text messages, visitors, gifts and meals was overwelming. Facebook was instrumental in rallying people all over the country and world to pray for Brooklyn's health and our sanity. God did not disappoint. His wings of protection were over us the whole time.

The third thing I learned is that yes, we are all just one phone call away from having our world turned upside down. You never know how you'll react in the situation until it shows up. I feel like I kept my cool and stayed positive for the most part. I was able to make wise decisions for the good of my baby even when it went against what hospital staff told us. I feel like I was firm about many things when normally I'm a total wuss. I'm proud of the me that came out of this.

The fourth thing I learned is that I didn't run to God like I should have when things felt overwelming. I found comfort in friends and family and THEN did I pray or seek God. I'd like for Him to be my first stop when I need help.

And finally, I feel like crisis bonded John and I together even tighter than before and in a way that just might never have happened any other way. We truly worked as a team supporting and encouraging and lifting each other up when the load became too heavy. I truly love this man and never could have made it through without him.

One really bad day

Just want to give you all a quick update...on 1/22/2010 Brooklyn and I were rear ended into another car at Fiske and Barnes. We were taken to Weusthoff and Brooklyn was subsequently taken to Arnold Palmer Childern's hospital with head injuries. The folks at Arnold Palmer have done three successive CT scans and Brooklyn's injuries are improving. They don't expect there to be any lasting damage but they won't let her go home until she is able to keep food down on her own. We will be at the hospital until at least tomorrow or Tuesday depending on how things go. I know this is a lousy way to tell you all but until I am 100% sure of her condition this is the only way I can keep all of her fans informed. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and please keep them coming. We are at Arnold Palmer Hospital room 2037 but please don't call the room. We prefer you call our cell phones so as not to disturb Brooklyn. Thanks everyone

More than I could have asked for...

When I picked Brooklyn up from Shelby's today I got some really great news. Shelby told me that she spent time praying for Brooklyn and her future spouse...that he would love God's word and have godly parents. I love that and pray that over her myself. Shelby also prayed that Brooklyn would have a strong will. I get this and see that it really is a positive. I was strong willed. For me that meant I didn't feel the need to go with the flow when other kids were running around getting pregnant or in trouble. It meant that if I was given a challenge I was determined to find a solution. These are attributes that pay major dividends in life. And I do want Brooklyn to be confident and determined to make her way in this world. Especially since our way of living is different than the norm. We love and serve God. I want her to shine her light to her peers regardless of what is socially acceptable. I want her to be the peer pressure among her friends. I heard our youth pastor share that during one of his talks and thought "what a fantastic concept!"

I imagine people don't typically get to enjoy the awesomeness that comes with a child care provider who prays over your child. That is why I'm so thrilled with the way all of this has turned out. Shelby cares very much for all aspects of Brooklyn's wellbeing and John and I can rest assured that our baby is in good hands. Thank you God for taking a situation that could have been simply average and making it magnificently more than what I asked for or could think of. Ephesians 3:20 is alive and living in me!

You can ALWAYS trust in God to come through!

Last week John's company cancelled the 4 day work week. Although that sucks for him, the child care schedule, at this point, was still workable. However then we were dealt a blow last night when we found out my mom wouldn't be able to care for Brooklyn either. Seriously? But we had it all figured out. Why is this coming crashing down on us??? I really felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I cried.

How would we manage to find care for the baby for the 2 days a week that my mother in law cannot cover? My mind started going crazy trying to find a solution to our new problem. Does part time daycare even exist? Not for an infant. Am I going to have to quit my job? I can't even think straight. My heart was overwhelmed with sadness. I made some phone calls. We prayed and then went to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

And with tomorrow the sun came up. I called a friend this morning and asked her if her mom might want to work for us by caring for Brooklyn 2 days a week. The answer is a very enthusiastic "YES!" Seriously? Please don't be joking. "No, really. I would LOVE to watch Brooklyn for you. Thanks so much for asking me." Wow. I didn't expect that. But I knew that God would take care of things.

I called John with the good news and he was soooooo relieved. Shelby will start on 11/30.

Oh happy day!

Sweet Moments & Food Weirdness

So the other night before drifting to sleep, I feel John put his hand on my belly. He doesn't say anything for a while. I'm wondering what is going on and when I ask he says, "I was praying for Bean."

On another note, he and I have both been praying for me to not suffer morning sickness. It's working. I don't feel nauseous at all (yay!) but honestly the thought of most food doesn't appeal to me either. I'm having lunch with a friend today and mentally rehearsing all the foods I normally like. Nothing sounds good except for mashed potatoes & grilled cheese sandwiches. Weird, huh?

Telling his family

So we told John's folks last night at Mimi's restaurant. I'm so glad John abandoned the whole 'let's wait til Christmas' farce. Neither of us can keep a great secret for very long. Who were we really fooling? Not even ourselves. Exactly.

Anyway, I bought a onsie that said "What happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's" and wrapped it in a Christmas bag with pictures of the pregnancy test. It took Linda a minute to comprehend but we could see the light bulb go off. It was so precious. I have it on video and will upload it later. John's dad wanted to stand up in the restaurant and ask for all the patron's attention as he shared the news. I wish he would have. That would have been SO COOL.

*** Update: Here's the video***


My sister wants to know when we can start shopping. I'm not really into buying baby stuff yet. As I was picking out the onsie I felt so out of my element even being in the baby section. I'm sure eventually I'll want to go crazy on baby supplies. Right now we don't have anywhere to put anything. So higher on my list of priorities is getting rid of useless crap we've been hanging onto forever. I've already dumped 2 big bags of clothing and I have a huge box of scrap supplies that I'm going to offer to some friends. I'd really love to have a 4 bedroom house rather than try and figure out how to stuff a baby & all the accessories into our condo. As I prayed for God to open that door, I heard from 2 people in 2 days of nice houses currently in foreclosure. Hmmmmm. Interesting.

Another thing to think about is what to do with the dog. Ugh. I don't even want to imagine how hard it will be to relocate a dog with an attitude problem. Anyone want a persnickety 8 year old Jack Russell Terrier who growls, snarls & bites the hand that feeds him, wants to fight with every other dog when on a leash, eats cats, follows you around the house to the point where you either step on him or trip over him constantly, and goes crazy when you vacuum or flush a toilet or turn on a flashlight or have visitors? You sure? He's really really cute.

Both our lives just changed forever

No way! We took a pregnancy test Saturday 12/13 and it came out positive! Holy cow, I can't believe it. I just can't believe we finally did it! John and I are tickled, shocked, giddy, stunned and completely unable to keep it a secret for longer than an hour. Upon waving my pee stick in front of him, with it's big blue "+", he laughed and told me to go get my camera.





I can honestly say I've thought of little else since Saturday. I don't sleep well because of the excitement. I'm at work and can't focus on anything. In about an hour I leave for my doctor's appointment where she'll do a blood test (I imagine) and then we'll know for sure.

It has been the longest day of my life. I catch myself staring at the clock, willing the hands to move a bit faster.

I've prayed a lot about God changing my heart towards motherhood. And he has. 5 years ago I never would have guessed that I would even consider starting a family. It just was never something I had any interest in doing. But over time my feelings changed. God is faithful to work on my heart and mind. I started viewing motherhood as an adventure I couldn't wait to take on with John by my side, as a blessing, as something God truly wanted for our lives, and as a humongous leap of faith. Finally, after being married about almost 5 years, John and I decided that we would officially "try" for a baby. Although we didn't try on a continuous basis. We really only gave it a solid effort for about a month.

And at first when I watched the pee stick immediately scream "pregnant" I felt happy. The next day.....also happy. Not scared at all. I thought I would remain at peace with this whole thing, and that my former doubts and fears were finally dead.

Apparently peace is something I'm going to have to fight for. Today I can feel my old self resurrect thoughts like "Why the heck did we do this? Our life was perfect before now and you just had to go and screw it all up. Do you know what you are in for now?!" I kind of expected it would take longer, and that we would have more time to digest the gravity of our decision. I didn't imagine it would only take 5 tries over a 3 week period.

No. I don't know what we are in for. But I do know that it is too late to turn back now. And I'm going to pour myself into God's word, stand on his promises, and be strengthened every day to battle these fears. I don't want the enemy to unravel me during a time in life that is supposed to be so beautiful. The enemy cannot steal this from me.

Prayers on deck: John and I are both praying in faith that I will not suffer nausea. We are praying for a healthy baby (girl...at least I'm praying for a girl) and no Downs Syndrome or anything else that plagues babies born to women in their 30's. I also do not want to have a C section and would appreciate a healthy problem free pregnancy & delivery. So if you feel compelled to pray for us, we will certainly appreciate it.